Teddy Bear...

Today I visited for a few minutes with precious little Teddy in House of Peace (a housemate of Katherine). When I came upstairs (he never goes downstairs due to his CP), he had somehow rolled off of the foam mats that he, Katherine, and Maya spend their days on and was lying on the wood floor with his face in a pool of his own drool and sweat. He was convulsing in huge, heartbroken, quiet, weak cries...the saddest thing I have ever seen. As I was there looking at that precious, precious picture of utter brokeness and helplessness I said to G0d, "Okay. I get it. I get why you had to come, to die, to save us." I've seen glimpses of myself and who I was in my natural, sin-stained state prior to Chr1st in many of these kids' faces and lives (like Katherine, for example), but when I saw Teddy today it was like G0d was bringing all those experiences to a climax and suddenly I just got it.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Chr1st died for the ungodly" ~Romans 5:6 (emphasis mine)

I got it. It's absolutely none of me and all Chr1st. And I need to keep getting it every day from now until eternity. It's Him choosing to redeem me, to love me, to die for me and my broken separation from Him through sin. I can't do anything. It's all His grace, His love, His mercy which makes something so sad and broken as me prior to s*lvation through Chr1st or Teddy and his hurting physical body into something new, something that brings Him glory. He has the power, the will, the ability to redeem...not me.

So, the end of my story with Teddy today? I'm not G0d...I can't heal this little body or wipe away all His tears forever like I wish I could, but I did what I could, what G0d has enabled me to do with my two hands and my heart. I picked that little, hurting body up and held him close for the few minutes I had, hoping desperately that He would feel His He*venly Father's love through me somehow. He didn't stop crying completely, his body still hurt and let him down, but hopefully he could feel that he was loved, that he was not forgotten. And then I returned home at the end of the day and I prayed for him, asking G0d to do what I cannot. Like with Katherine, there was a song playing tonight as I sat and wrote this that really seemed to fit the experience. So here is Steven Curtis Chapman's "Carry You to Jesus", dedicated to little Teddy bear:

I will not pretend to feel the pain you’re going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you’ve known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don’t know

Well, I’ll admit sometimes I still wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we’re at the mercy of God’s higher ways
And our ways are so small

But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

It’s such a privilege for me to give this gift to you
All I’d ever hope you’d give me in return
Is to know that you’ll be there to do the same for me
When the tables turn

And if you need to cry go on and I, I will cry along with you, yeah
I’ve given you what I have but still I know the best thing I can do
Is just pray for you

I’ll carry you
I’ll take you to Jesus on my knees