Two Hands and a Heart: June 2011

Thursday, June 30, 2011

A perfect summer day...

Sara and I were out playing with the Zachry House kids one day when they started climbing into the tricycle. Sara loaded most of the boys in and then I towed it off the grass and pedaled them up and down the driveway for as many runs as I could with the flat tires (it was SO hard to ride!). The kids had a blast, though, and it made for an idyllic, fun summer moment to cherish in my memory.

Sara, Jerak, Benjamin, and Mikey!

JJ!

Me, Benjamin, Mikey, and Brent

Melanie's turn to drive!

JJ was racing me on his bike and laughing like crazy!

Mikey, Bill, and Brent!

Overwhelmed.

Jackson

Josiah

Wes

When you've been here a month and are increasingly starting to know these kids on a deeply personal, individual level, it's very easy to start feeling overwhelmed. I try to help wheezing Katherine breathe a little easier and stroke Teddy's crying face. I give Josiah hugs when he begs for them, mourn over Vincent's weakness, and hold Grace when she reaches those tiny stick arms of hers out towards me and smiles beckoningly. I cry over the injustice of the g*vernments or orphanages or individuals who are keeping many of these precious kids from being adopted. I pr*y for G0d's mercy to soften the older kids' hearts toward Himself and lead them through the difficult choices and paths they are facing right now. And on and on...

So many kids, so many stories, so many needs...

Toby

I look at these 76 precious little faces and the diverse personalities and experiences held behind them and I just feel so helpless. Lord, my heart can't take it all in. I can't feel burdened over or love each one of these kids as much as they need. I love them, but I can't really love all 76 the same. I feel so weak, like my heart isn't big enough or my hands can't do enough here.

But then it's like G0d touches His finger to my chin and lifts my gaze to the He*vens. Do you trust Me, Annie? Do you believe that I am big enough to see these kids and to meet their needs? How simple-minded, how prone to forgetfulness I am! Of course the G0d who made the universe and knows every hair on our heads (Luke 12:7) is able to care for every single one of these kids.

Zechariah

When my perspective is restored by looking up to my great and awesome S*vior, then when I look back down I am amazed at what He is doing around me. He cares for every one of these kids through His spirit, through His mighty works of healing and protection over them, through His sovereignty in ordering their lives, and, amazingly, through people like you and me. What a gift that He would use us to collectively love and serve these kids, accomplishing together what we could never do apart.

There are doctors here to meet the kids' physical needs for surgeries, medications, and recoveries. There are loving ayis to care for the kids' daily needs of eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom. There are teachers who help the kids' to reach their intellectual potential, no matter what level that may be. There are therapists who help them learn to move or speak properly so they will have stronger, more healthy lives. There are visitors that love on and play with these kids nearly every day. There are sponsors who help provide clothes, food, and daily care for them through financial giving. There are people G0d brings here with special burdens for certain kids; Kelly who loves Joey, Kathy who loves Melanie, Alan and Elissa who love Noel, etc. And there are adoptive families for many of the kids who give them all the individual love and care and sense of belonging that they desperately need.

Lucas

Through this whole web of people, G0d cares for each one of these children. He doesn't need me to try to do it all; I'm just here to contribute in all the ways He has designed me to. When His body works together to bring Him glory and show His love to the world, beautiful things happen. I can't believe I get to be a small part of Him meeting overwhelming needs with His overwhelming grace. What a wondrous G0d we have!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Teddy Bear...

Today I visited for a few minutes with precious little Teddy in House of Peace (a housemate of Katherine). When I came upstairs (he never goes downstairs due to his CP), he had somehow rolled off of the foam mats that he, Katherine, and Maya spend their days on and was lying on the wood floor with his face in a pool of his own drool and sweat. He was convulsing in huge, heartbroken, quiet, weak cries...the saddest thing I have ever seen. As I was there looking at that precious, precious picture of utter brokeness and helplessness I said to G0d, "Okay. I get it. I get why you had to come, to die, to save us." I've seen glimpses of myself and who I was in my natural, sin-stained state prior to Chr1st in many of these kids' faces and lives (like Katherine, for example), but when I saw Teddy today it was like G0d was bringing all those experiences to a climax and suddenly I just got it.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Chr1st died for the ungodly" ~Romans 5:6 (emphasis mine)

I got it. It's absolutely none of me and all Chr1st. And I need to keep getting it every day from now until eternity. It's Him choosing to redeem me, to love me, to die for me and my broken separation from Him through sin. I can't do anything. It's all His grace, His love, His mercy which makes something so sad and broken as me prior to s*lvation through Chr1st or Teddy and his hurting physical body into something new, something that brings Him glory. He has the power, the will, the ability to redeem...not me.

So, the end of my story with Teddy today? I'm not G0d...I can't heal this little body or wipe away all His tears forever like I wish I could, but I did what I could, what G0d has enabled me to do with my two hands and my heart. I picked that little, hurting body up and held him close for the few minutes I had, hoping desperately that He would feel His He*venly Father's love through me somehow. He didn't stop crying completely, his body still hurt and let him down, but hopefully he could feel that he was loved, that he was not forgotten. And then I returned home at the end of the day and I prayed for him, asking G0d to do what I cannot. Like with Katherine, there was a song playing tonight as I sat and wrote this that really seemed to fit the experience. So here is Steven Curtis Chapman's "Carry You to Jesus", dedicated to little Teddy bear:

I will not pretend to feel the pain you’re going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you’ve known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don’t know

Well, I’ll admit sometimes I still wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we’re at the mercy of God’s higher ways
And our ways are so small

But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

It’s such a privilege for me to give this gift to you
All I’d ever hope you’d give me in return
Is to know that you’ll be there to do the same for me
When the tables turn

And if you need to cry go on and I, I will cry along with you, yeah
I’ve given you what I have but still I know the best thing I can do
Is just pray for you

I’ll carry you
I’ll take you to Jesus on my knees

Faces!

Today I finished up a unit on "Faces and Feelings" with my Kindergarteners. I'm sorry I ran out of simple emotions to teach them because they were having so much fun with it! We acted out the new faces as we learned them and the class always ended up in a fit of giggles. I took pictures of each one we learned and today we made a feelings book out of all of them. They all laughed so hard at the photos and had a blast covering their pages with stickers and drawings. Here are the seven expressions we learned...now you'll see why I LOVE all of these precious faces! :)

Running to School...

Snapped these pictures the other day of Joy and Perry running to school after nap time. Loved their smiles and laughter!

Eric

I know you all are going to stop believing me when I say I have yet another “favorite” here at Shepherd’s Field, but really these kids are so precious that I can’t keep from holding so many of them especially close to my heart (it’s like back in grade school when we had a million “best” friends). J My future husband should feel *really* thankful that I don’t always follow my heart because otherwise I’d probably be bringing like ten of these kids with me into marriage...hehe...

No...in all seriousness...the little guy whose pictures are adorning this post does in fact have a very special little corner of my heart that’s all his own. I’ve loved Eric ever since seeing him on our last trip, but especially since I bought a little panda ornament he made out of clay (a visiting art teacher we met while here before did lots of really neat projects with the kids and then sold them to people back home as a way to raise awareness about the kids here). I have the panda hanging above my desk at home and I fall more in love with it’s thumb-printed little body and cute smiling face every time I glance up at it.

Meeting Eric again just cemented all my love for him even more. He is such a sweet, sensitive soul, but with a little twist of mischievousness and stubbornness that is completely endearing. I love his little “poochy lip” (which comes from a repaired cleft lip and palate when he was little) and the funny expressions he makes with it. I love the sound of his voice...kind of low and muffled, but underlined with lots of innocence and fun. I love the tie-die and Prince Caspian shirts he always wears. I love holding him because he still has the babyish “chub”, especially in his hands. He is spunky and smart and playful and wild and caring and 100% lovable...all ingredients that make for a practically perfect little boy.

And in my heart, he’s 100% Zechariah’s older brother. J

Sunday, June 26, 2011

More Playground Time!

The past few days have been nice and cool (at least China-wise!), so the kids have all loved playing on the playground more. Someone recently donated SFCV a trampoline and the kids are having SO much fun with it! I even sneaked on it once and jump around a bit with them (definitely will be doing that again!). I love just hearing their laughs and helping them experience the simple, carefree joys of a normal childhood, even for just a little bit. Pr*ying that these little moments will just be glimpses of the future they have in store when their mommies and daddies find them!