Teddy Bear...

Today I visited for a few minutes with precious little Teddy in House of Peace (a housemate of Katherine). When I came upstairs (he never goes downstairs due to his CP), he had somehow rolled off of the foam mats that he, Katherine, and Maya spend their days on and was lying on the wood floor with his face in a pool of his own drool and sweat. He was convulsing in huge, heartbroken, quiet, weak cries...the saddest thing I have ever seen. As I was there looking at that precious, precious picture of utter brokeness and helplessness I said to G0d, "Okay. I get it. I get why you had to come, to die, to save us." I've seen glimpses of myself and who I was in my natural, sin-stained state prior to Chr1st in many of these kids' faces and lives (like Katherine, for example), but when I saw Teddy today it was like G0d was bringing all those experiences to a climax and suddenly I just got it.

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Chr1st died for the ungodly" ~Romans 5:6 (emphasis mine)

I got it. It's absolutely none of me and all Chr1st. And I need to keep getting it every day from now until eternity. It's Him choosing to redeem me, to love me, to die for me and my broken separation from Him through sin. I can't do anything. It's all His grace, His love, His mercy which makes something so sad and broken as me prior to s*lvation through Chr1st or Teddy and his hurting physical body into something new, something that brings Him glory. He has the power, the will, the ability to redeem...not me.

So, the end of my story with Teddy today? I'm not G0d...I can't heal this little body or wipe away all His tears forever like I wish I could, but I did what I could, what G0d has enabled me to do with my two hands and my heart. I picked that little, hurting body up and held him close for the few minutes I had, hoping desperately that He would feel His He*venly Father's love through me somehow. He didn't stop crying completely, his body still hurt and let him down, but hopefully he could feel that he was loved, that he was not forgotten. And then I returned home at the end of the day and I prayed for him, asking G0d to do what I cannot. Like with Katherine, there was a song playing tonight as I sat and wrote this that really seemed to fit the experience. So here is Steven Curtis Chapman's "Carry You to Jesus", dedicated to little Teddy bear:

I will not pretend to feel the pain you’re going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you’ve known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don’t know

Well, I’ll admit sometimes I still wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we’re at the mercy of God’s higher ways
And our ways are so small

But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

It’s such a privilege for me to give this gift to you
All I’d ever hope you’d give me in return
Is to know that you’ll be there to do the same for me
When the tables turn

And if you need to cry go on and I, I will cry along with you, yeah
I’ve given you what I have but still I know the best thing I can do
Is just pray for you

I’ll carry you
I’ll take you to Jesus on my knees

Child of my Heart

Baby Zechariah and I in July 2009

I know you’re not supposed to have favorites in a place like this, but I am unashamedly a Zechariah fanatic. I met this sweet guy on my first trip here two years ago and completely fell in love with his snuggly little self and drooly baby face. He had the cutest dimples and would just lie on my shoulders so perfectly content for hours. I remember thinking then that this was the closest I’d ever come so far to loving a baby as my very own.

So the years passed, he grew into a toddler, and I planned my return trip to Shepherd’s Field. I didn’t expect that I’d love him the same this time...after all he was no longer the little baby I once held. As soon as I saw him the first time after arriving here, though, my heart wrapped around him again as if I had never left. Yes, he is bigger and more mobile now, but his sweet personality hasn’t changed a bit. His dimples still charm my socks off when he smiles, he still curls his head onto my shoulder like he did as a baby, and he is still Mr. Snuggle-Bunny. I can’t explain why I love him so much, but I just do. Every time I hold him, watch him smile, and hear his soft little voice, my heart says “mommy.” I know it’s impossible; I’m still 10 years too young to adopt him and he needs a family now. But still my heart just looks on him as if all of those barriers were gone and he was my son.  I would die for him in an instant. I want to feed him cheerios out of a highchair and teach him to ride a bike and read with him and see what kind of man he becomes.

 

 

I pr*y G0d has a family coming for my boy soon. Until then, though, I will love and cherish him in their place and try not to think about how hard it’s going to be to leave him orphaned still for a second time.

Wo Ai Ni, my Zekky boy. <3

.Katherine.

Today I spent some time with sweet little Katherine in House of Peace. When you first sit down by her you're struck by two things right away: One is her beauty. Big dark eyes, smooth brown skin, and thick black hair combed up in two little pigtails...it all combines to make for one very gorgeous little face. The second thing you notice about this precious girl, though, is her suffering. Her mouth is always open as she struggles for every breath, wheezing and gasping about every two seconds. Every rising movement of her chest brings with it a loud choking sound. Her arms and legs are tighly locked in a bent position and her fingers in a tight clench. She cannot move or really respond at all when you stroke her cheeks or try to pry her fingers open gently to wrap around yours. Being deaf, she cannot hear you trying to comfort her and her blind eyes move around but cannot see you trying to emphathize with her pain and communicate G0d's love to her through your own eyes and face. She spends the majority of her days lying stiffly on the floor with no one to hold her or provide her any stimulation. Today when I saw her I picked her up very gingerly and held her close in my arms, hoping that somehow she could feel my love--and most importantly G0d's--through the only means possible--touch. Her body didn't flex at all even when I sat her up in my lap, so I had to keep her propped up against me so she wouldn't fall over. 

As I held her and heard and saw all the suffering in her eyes and gasps for air, I wondered why G0d would allow her to have such a difficult life. Once upon a time she was a normal, healthy little girl, until spinal meningitis robbed her of nearly all her functions. She is five years old, yet cannot read or run or laugh like other children her age. Why did G0d choose this journey for her? And why in the midst of all her pain doesn't He either call her home to His presence or miraculously heal her? It doesn't make sense to my simple human understanding. I know G0d is good, and I know He is sovereign, yet my heart grieves (as I know His does too) that she is so broken and hurting in this life.

When I come to know more of Katherine it becomes more and more like looking into a mirror. She is such a picture of who I was sp1r1tually before G0d chose to save me through J*sus. Just like her I was the picture of fraility and weakness. I could not speak for myself or meet my own needs or save myself from the sin that pervaded me as fully as Katherine's disease does her. I was gasping, struggling, and held by my sin and needed a miraculous rescue. Yet G0d met my need, healed my brokeness, and restored me to what I was created to be--His child in a right relationship with Him.

I know He can do this for Katherine too. He can heal her not only sp1r1tually, but physically too. In an instant he could give her back all the strength and health she enjoyed as a small child before her illness. He could also choose to completely heal her forever by taking her to be with J*sus right now. But it's His choice. My own experiences with her have shown me that maybe a small part of His choice to allow her to suffer and be in pain in this life is because it is such a clear representation to others of the G0spel and the condition of our hearts that He died to save us from. Maybe it's through her weakness that He will lead others to H1mself, calling people to come and be rescued by H1m, to live for H1m, and to press on in this life in the Hope that one day He will bring H1s children home and free them from all sin and bondage and suffering forever.

I don't know why G0d acts as He does, but I am so thankful for the poignant reminder that sweet little Katherine is of His G0spel and thank Him today for the awesome privilege of seeing His story in her and getting to give back the love He has shown me to her. I love you and am pr*ying for you, sweet little one! <3