'Till We Meet Again...

 So here we are. The post I've been dreading to write since coming home in July. How do you possibly say goodbye to 75 precious kids, dear staff members who've become lifelong friends, the idyllic setting of Shepherd's Field, and the country of China with your heart remaining at all intact? There's no way I could possibly describe what it's like without taking you all there, inside of my heart and mind...otherwise the losses are all foreign and unknown and my grief for them will seem to you overstated and incomprehensible. I know you all can't understand exactly what I felt and that's okay. I don't expect you to. So I'll just say that I cried. A lot. And ached and hurt and told my roommates to chain me to my bed the morning of July 19th. I knew my time in China must come to an end, that I could not be a forever mommy to every one of these kids like I wished, and that G0d had new adventures and journeys to take me on back home in the States. But still I tried to fight against time and reason and pretend that I could just go on forever in this place with nothing changing (which is impossible anyway in a place full of children who are changing constantly!).

So, without too much more drama and tears and trying to verbalize complicated heart emotions, I'll just briefly tell the story of my last day in China. I woke up bright and early, got up (yes, my roommates did disobey my bed-chaining instructions!), ate breakfast, and played out on the patio with some of the Samaritan's House kids...especially my two favorites, Shanna and Heather. :) I didn't stay long, as my taxi to the airport was due to arrive at noon and I had to make myself only spend about a half-hour in each house. One half hour. It was oh-so-hard. I just wanted to sit there and soak up every last bit of every single kid, take a million pictures (I did pretty good at that!), and engrave everything deep in my memory to digest on the 11-hour plane ride home. But time was limited, so I took my two little hands and quickly breaking heart and loved on and held and kissed as many of my tiny friends as possible. I took tons of self-portraits with the kids to mark this last day together, fed Shanna a bottle, handed out candy to Zechariah and his buddies in House of Blessing, said my goodbyes to the Baker family (founders of Shepherd's Field...I tutored their twin boys this summer), and kept my arms as full with little snuggle bunnies as was possible. As the clock ticked ever closer to twelve, I finally made it through the last house and then met up with all my school kids at lunch to say my goodbyes to them (they had been in classes all morning). My kindergarteners became especially well known this summer for screaming "Annie" whenever they saw me, and as I walked in the lunchroom door that morning, the chorus seemed even louder and sweeter and more wonderful than usual. I barely made it through those last hugs and "zai jians" and as soon as they were over ended up in the staff room sobbing my heart out on Mama Jewel's shoulder. She was so sweet, hugging and comforting me until I choked all the tears back inside and was able to move on to the next steps of bringing all my suitcases down from my room, signing the wall in the staff room (a fun tradition for any visitors, interns, and staff to do when they leave SFCV), and eating lunch. The Shepherd's Field kitchen offerings that morning were my very, very favorite....sliced cucumbers with tomato and eggs over noodles....couldn't have been more perfect for my last meal there. After lunch, Taxi Wang came by in his speedy blue car and I could no longer wish away the inevitable. I hugged Sara, and Melissa, and Hannah, and Mama Jewel and Baba Clay tightly, climbed in the taxi, and looked back out the window until I could no longer catch a glimpse of the peaked roofs rising over the four orange walls that had contained all my heart and been my home for the past two months. And then...it was all over. I flew home, reunited with my family, and life began again as usual. Usual on the outside, that is, because my heart, my mind, my expectations, my plans, the person I am and will be is forever changed by these little people and the life we lived together this summer. My heart loves and misses you to infinity and beyond, dear Shepherd's Field kids!

(Below are pictures from my last day. I've kept them small because there are a LOT :), but you can click on any image for a larger view. Enjoy! If I could take you all back to July 19 to feel and see and live every moment of this last day with me, I would!)

 

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die; 

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 

a time to kill, and a time to heal; 

a time to break down, and a time to build up; 

a time to weep, and a time to laugh; 

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away..." 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-6

"He has made everything beautiful in its time."

Ecclesiastes 3:11